Ask A Disgusting Craps Flea

Dear Disgusting Craps Flea,

I've been dating a wonderful guy for the past six months. We generally get along great, but every time the opportunity comes up for him to meet my parents, he says he's too busy. Is he being non-committal, or am I just being too pushy?

—Waiting In Fort Wayne

Dear Waiting,

The way I see it, there is only so much disposable income in anyone's given arsenal, so why waste $100 on a really good meal at a fine dining establishment or some birthday presents for my twin nephews when I can take that same $100 to the casino and roll the dice for 8 hours straight? Not only am I contributing money to the local economy during these tough times, I am also giving the casino dealers and floor supervisors something to do during those 4 or 5 hours when I'm the only one rolling starting around 2am. If it wasn't for me, they would have nothing to do but to joke around with their fellow dealers, watch sportscenter on the casino televisions, or deal to the occasional fun tourists who don't seem to stay at the table very long when they play near me.

Dear Disgusting Craps Flea,

Here's a real doozy for you: My husband and I wouldn't miss our friend Stephanie's wedding for the world, but my sister, who I haven't seen in more than 10 years, is going to be in town on the very same weekend. Would it be rude to ask for an invite for dear old sis? Help!

—Torn In Tacoma

Dear Torn,

Since I know I'll be playing at the craps table for some 8-10 hours, I always have the foresight to bring my own chair. Casinos frown upon taking chairs away from a slot machine to sit on at the dice table, which is too bad because those things are so damn comfortable. They are even more comfortable than the car seat that I usually fall asleep in every night. At the very least, they don't wreak of dried urine and aren't covered by used up Black 'n' Mild cigar butts. On those occasions where I either forget my chair, or when its been pawned off, I find myself shifting around on the table moving from side-to-side. Damn, your legs get tired when you have to stand for 8 hours at a time at a craps table. Those dealers there have it easy....at least they get to sit down for about 15 minutes after every hour. When I do have my chair, its fun to sit right next to the dealer and try to shoot the breeze with him. They act like they don't want to talk, but I know they realize I'm the reason they have a job and they even have all of my favorite bets memorized before I even through them in...like the $4 horn bet with the $3 hi-low-yo. That one is awesome!

Dear Disgusting Craps Flea,

My friend and I have weekly lunch dates, at which she tells me everything that's been happening in her life–and I do mean everything! As a more private person, should I stand up for my right to keep some of my cards under the table, or should I just go with the flow and spill my guts, too?

—Secretive In Sacramento

Dear Secretive,

I know I normally buy-in for like $100 at the local $3 dice table, but what's really nice is asking for like $40 in $1 white chips. That allows me the flexibility to make as many $8 don't-pass bets with $24 lay-odds that I want......ALL in white! Once again, I always have the friendly dealers in mind when doing this. If it wasn't for me, all of the payoffs they would make on a jammed-up and busy table on Friday night would go quick and smoothly. Forcing them to break down my bets for the camera and do more complicated calculations keeps things interesting.....never boring! Also, along with my $100 buy-in, I always bring my collection of bright orange 25-cent Sam's Town chips from 1984. Those allow me to mix them into all of my white chips so that I can keep track of every roll during my 8-10 hour stints. Actually, it is critical that I don't forget those orange chips because I rely on them to help me with my take down after the first roll, re-bet after the fourth natural, press across after turning my bets off before a 7-out, pass/don't pass no action patented no-loss betting system. Along with my orange chips and $100 buy-in, you will also see in my rail a 1973 black chip from Binion's for no reason, and of course, my lucky spare set of false teeth!

Jack "Wheezy" Love is a syndicated advice columnist whose weekly column, Ask A Disgusting Craps Flea, appears in over 250 newspapers nationwide.